A year and a few months ago, I became a father to a very healthy and cute boy. Those who know my viewpoints regarding parenting and having offspring would probably comment, “This is completely different from what you wished for and what you’ve been saying your entire life.” Well, they wouldn’t be wrong in saying that. However, my reluctance to become a parent had nothing to do with my usual arguments against it. This small piece of writing is meant to clarify certain aspects regarding the desire to have children.
I am one of those people who understand that the essence of happiness in life must not be bound to parenthood. To have a child is a decision that should be based on individual honest expectations in life. It shouldn’t be mere procreative activity pushed and forced by biology or ancient-based social values, or any values for that matter. I still hold to that conviction, and I can easily say that being a parent is not for the faint-hearted and, at the end, not for everyone.
This doesn’t mean that we should ignore our procreative biological impulses and naively disregard the fact that we are still animals, which are bound to primal instincts, and make a claim that our reason should suppress any such instinctive impulse. That would be the wrong approach, knowing that any forceful suppression of natural instincts usually can lead to some behavioral deviations. Instead of doing that, we should rather understand that these instincts are there, affecting our logical decision-making process regarding different kinds of subjects, and parenthood as well.
Still, as a sentient species, we have this strange and moronic neural activity – popularly called “thinking.” This process gives us the opportunity to evaluate rationally and without oppression whether our existence needs offspring in order to make our lives feel complete or not. I used to say, “One can be happy without any children.” After becoming a parent, I can double down on that statement. This maybe sounds unexpected and counterintuitive, as if I am unhappy because of having my boy around. That would be the wrong conclusion also. I am merely stating that being happy with any decision in life depends on the fact whether we accept (all) probable consequences of such decision or not.
Personally, I can imagine a life without a child, and I know it can still be a fulfilling life. However, once I decided to become a parent, I embarked on a different path in my life, accompanied by corresponding consequences that brought me a different type of joy and happiness. In other words, along every path, there is the potential for both happiness and unhappiness. One needs to accept the consequences before having a child in order to establish a solid foundation for fulfillment later on.
Some people would say (or they usually say): “Well, those without children miss out a lot. It is one of the most important experiences.” They often forget (one of the logical fallacies) that this logic goes in another direction too. Therefore, one could say that “those with children miss plenty of experiences and opportunities to perceive and live the world on a deeper level because they usually lack time (and knowledge) to do so.” So, which statement bears more truth? Neither of them. Each one has its merits. This is one of those situations where we cannot think in the scope of black and white. Surely, some phenomena are “black and white,” like either you are alive or dead; or, either we live on planet Earth or not. Parenting and family planning are not one of those things. There are many possible combinations and reasons to have or not to have children. Some are of intrinsic and some of extrinsic nature. One of the reasons is a correlation between the level of education and religiosity concerning this matter. It offers a very colorful spectrum of possible outcomes. The less education and/or more religiosity, the higher the importance of parenthood. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against less educated and more religious people, as long as their ignorance and ideology do not actively affect broader public life. I understand that to them having children is the peak of all accomplishments, and that’s fine. Yet, an educated person who has much more to offer to the world than being a parent would find satisfaction in other things, and that is also fine. Now, what could anyone offer that can be valued more than an unborn child? Well, it is easy to answer. There are/were, for example, a lot of scientists who made a colossal impact on us and our world by doing their research. They spread knowledge all over the world and improved the present and future daily life of so many people. Such accomplishments are like offspring to a scientist, and through them, he secured his “afterlife” and remembrance, the very same function of the biological offspring.
Now, my personal decision to become a parent was a result of analyzing multiple aspects concerning my own life and the life of my partner. Our mutual medical history was one of the aspects that accelerated the decision-making process a bit. Without it, we would probably have waited for a few more years to decide whether we wanted to be parents or not. I’ve also never stated that “I resent parenthood and don’t want to be a parent.” Instead, I argued and am still arguing that my life was already fulfilled and that in becoming a parent, I had to contemplate all aspects of that idea in order to leave ongoing fulfillment and take the road towards another one. I am still amazed by the mere fact that I, as a person and as one of billions of people, became a dad to someone, to some child! It is a weird feeling, as if I am a 24/7 nanny to someone’s child, yet responsible for it in every aspect. I believe I will have this feeling for the rest of my life. Therefore, even after becoming a dad, I don’t try to romanticize or idealize parenthood to make all the difficulties, responsibilities, and drawbacks disappear. Nor am I trying to bash it. My kid is here and now, and I have accepted my role and everything that includes. I love him beyond measure.
In this moment, I cannot imagine my life without my son in this ongoing timeline. But, if I were to go back before he was born, it is quite logical to conclude that another timeline would be fine and beautiful too. It is a realist’s simple observation of the whole package. I can only state that if you wish to become a parent, don’t idealize and don’t fall for the usual rhetorical nonsense that “parenthood is beautiful,” because it is also very hard, challenging, depressive, and full of fears for you, your partner, and your kid. Try to talk first with your partner about, for example, names, parenting styles, household, etc., before you say, “let’s go, let’s make some babies!” Each unresolved disagreement will come back to haunt you later and can cause a lot of desperation on both sides. Moreover, such an environment is not good for a child either. There are many obstacles to overcome, but there is a punchline. If, and only if, you succeed in overcoming some of these parenting obstacles, parenthood itself feels rewarding and brings definitely much joy. Still, if you decide against parenthood, then you have decided in favor of taking the road to another type of possible happiness and enjoyment in life. Make it only sure that whichever way you choose, you use its potential and the offered opportunities wisely. Because if you overwhelmingly fail, no matter whether you have a child or not, fulfilling your personal essence of life will be difficult, even impossible.
Scientifically Literate Junction 